study retreat.

well, i won't be updating my blog anytime soon with the approaching exams almost at the doorsteps. (i can almost smell it). henceforth i shall be retreating into a pia-ing state of muggerhood. i'll update my blog most probably after the exams. sorry for the inconvenience to people who do pop by and read my blog.

=) have a good day!

it's so scary.

i'm sitting here right in front of the computer right now. its 8.37 a.m. on a sunday morning. a typical sunday morning like any other sunday mornings.

yet it's so scary.

the silence around me permeates. it's so quiet. there is not a single sound from the house except for the hum of the computer processor. there is not a single sound from the roads. people are not awake yet and i can hear no cars on the road. everyone is still living out their dreams in dreamland.

it's so scary.

there is no wind to rustle the leaves and the trees don't speak. the silence that permeates echoes the silence that is within my heart, my soul and threatens to overwhelm me. the silence is trying to fill up the gap found within my heart and mind.

it's so scary.

is there anyone to come and take this silence away from me? is there anyone to come and fill this gap up in me? is there anyone?

it's so scary and i'm afraid.

very the sibei sians.

i'm very the sibei sians today, so i just thought of blogging what i did today, just for the kick of it.

be warned, its very the sibei sians one.

today, morning wake up then went to download some anime stuff on the comp. then thinking also when got time to get the hamster cage for my sister's hamsters. maybe after A levels. also slack around awhile 'cause still haven't work up the mood to study yet. also i clocked a record of 159 times of Sum 41's "Pieces" on my iTunes. an excellent song if you ask me, making it the top song of my choice currently. it's even playing as i type so probably will hit 200 times today.

around near noon, i went to bathe, fiddled with my new haircut. i went to cut my fugly hair yesterday you see. its quite alright if you ask me. and the funny thing was, there was a girl who asked her friend if i look shuai or not. she spoke so loud that not only leena heard, but me as well, although i wasn't really sure until i asked leena after that. i was quite embarrassed by it because i could sense that [even without my spectacles as i was having my haircut] she was staring in my reflection on the mirror. we had a good laugh after that. i'm nowhere near shuai lah seriously. people are like blind these days man.

as usual, i went to mac to study with sarah today. and as usual its super boring. but surprisingly today i saw youni [remember i had a previous post which i said that there was a mac girl staff who was looking at me]. i found out her name since then. quite duh, i knew since she was wearing a nametag with her name "Youni" on it. so yeah, i studied there while sarah was on her way. and i also found out that she was only secondary four. she looked older than me lah! or maybe i look young...too young...=.=.

when sarah came, the first thing she told me was that youni was there, so i was like yeah i know loh. then sarah said that youni was beoh-ing me. for your information, beoh-ing is a dialect term, quite a crude term, implying that someone, either a girl or boy checking out another girl or boy. so for example, we can have a girl beoh-ing a boy or a boy beoh-ing a girl. or a girl beoh-ing a girl and a guy beoh-ing a guy. talk about gays and lesbians man. when sarah said that i blur diao, like who the crap wants to beoh me anyway? i asked her how she knew so and sarah said that youni was looking around the corner. and i asked her if she was sure that is considered as beoh-ing because before sarah came, youni did that a few times already. then sarah laughed at me and said that wah so youni has already beoh-ed me a few times liao ah. i thought, bad taste lah, she blind then eyes pa stamp and can't see well then want to beoh me.

so i just shrug my shoulders and continued to do my studying. then later on in the afternoon, there was another girl who beoh-ed me again! this one from my secondary school, she did it like quite obviously...=.=. me and sarah were sitting at the tables near the restroom then this girl, i don't know who, was proceeding to the restroom with a couple of her friends. i happened to look up because i was thinking about a question then i caught her turning around and looking at me. so obvious lah! even without sarah telling me i also knew that she was beoh-ing me. why i say obvious because i was directly in her line of view and there wasn't anything or anyone else she could turn and look. and for the record why would she want to do so since she was going to the restroom? scared i will go peep at her is it? my notes better to peep at than her lah. and she irritated me last time because she kept shaking the bloody bench which was being shared by me and her a long time ago when i was studying for the prelims.

anyways, i studied until i was quite bored then went home. like everytime i go there also kena beoh. sians lah, why don't have anyone there i can beoh? quite an ego-boosting thing, but not much of a use since ego is really nothing much. and they only dare to beoh and do nothing else. i'd salute them if they ever dare come and talk to me or something. haha.

girls these days are getting bolder. althought this is not a very bad thing i must say. keep it up girls. hahahahahahahahahahaha!!!

the unspoken words.

i am moody once again.

i am moody because tomorrow is coming.

tomorrow is a special day, one that is not spelt out explicitly.

tomorrow is the last day of my junior college days.

its marks another significant chapter in my life. and soon a new one would have to open. i am sad, because i realise that, in spite of all the things i say about how i dislike school, how i hated studying, my heart does not agree. i realised that i actually would miss school, more importantly, i would miss everyone that i've known throughout this two short years, for some, this one short year.

such events are never said out publicly, but deep in my heart, it really means alot to me. it means that i would not be able to see my friends as freely as i would want to because we would all be going away. i know such leaving and partings are part and parcel of life and that we all would have to accept this inevitable fact. but i have never grown accustomed to leaving and i don't think i will ever grow accustom to it.

back in my last days of secondary school, i felt the same way as i feel right here, right now. but that wasn't much to compare with what i am feeling now. in secondary school, the friends, the people that i came to interact with, was considered quite minimal since the school system then was that we students are based in a classroom where our different subject teachers would come in for their respective lessons. different it is for junior college. there was a whole lot more of interaction, of getting to know people and people knowing you. there were many, many events and activities that encouraged such a trend. and to me, the more people that i came to know, the more painful and sad it is to have to accept that i would be, or rather, they would be leaving me. some i might not see them forever.

as i am typing this at this moment, my eyes are shedding tears, my heart is screaming silently, asking why do i have to go through this. i was once told that i was too sensitive, for a guy. i agree, yet it is this sensitivity that i have that allows me to really appreciate those around me, those who gave me your friendship and love, those who i call friends.

i just want to thank everyone for being a part of my life, being a part of my time spent in JJC. it was certainly the best moment of my life yet. and yet it is also the worse moment of my life yet. i just don't know how to deal with this sense of loss, i feel so helpless, knowing that i cannot do anything about it. there are definitely friendships forged that i really do want to keep, forever. for the rest of my life.

right now, i want to thank some people for their presence.

thank you mdm chee, for teaching me physics, although there are times when i don't really know what you are saying.

thank you mdm goh, for being a wonderful maths tutor throughout the year.

thank you ms pereira, for always putting me down because you wanted to push me forward, to be a better person as well as improving my GP.

thank you mr azmi, for being a great chemistry and civics tutor, always teaching me patiently and always tolerating my unruly hairstyle.

thank you 04S24 for a wonderful first year in JJC, i really enjoyed my time with you guys, although i'm not in the same class anymore, i have never forgotten about you people there. rock on.

thank you 04S11, john, hsiang fa, kok yen, zheng ning, jing kai, sihui, shirlyn, qing rong, siew yin, karen, shu hui, pei yan, nurul, hwee li, chee kiang, jason, deanic, wan hui, sam, mao, sharon, allan, and even guang rong, its was really a wonderful one year spent, for some two years, and i really got along very well with all of you. thank you very much.

thank you 24th student's council, for i've learnt alot from not only the councillors, but the teachers as well, especially Simon. thanks for the lessons taught and i will never forget them.

thank you to the remnants of 4/1 2003 who came to JJC, for still rocking on in the same college.

thank you to everyone that i know, and those that knows me. there's just too many of you, i can't name everyone down. it was a great pleasure knowing all of you.

and then there's three.

three unique and special people, whom i've never, ever and will never ever regret knowing. you really made a huge impact in my life. usually i don't name names on my blog, but this time, i don't really care.

firstly, Frede, my brother/buddy/si dang. i really want to salute you from the bottom of my heart. you're one great brother for the past 6 years and counting. you were someone that i developed such a strong friendship with. its really stunning, as you would put it. we've never argued before because you and i believe in compromising. you're really one hell of a guy, sweet and gentle natured and so well liked and loved by everyone around you. thanks for being my brother. i am honoured to be considered yours. yet at the same time, because of our strong brotherhood, there are times when i really felt devastated when we talked about the future. you did say before you might return to malaysia and continue from there. i was very distraught by that yet i did not tell you because you had your own life. i didn't have any right to stop you living the way you want to. i'm just very afraid that we might never see each other again and that's what that hurts me the most, more than anything else that you have done.

secondly, to a really special friend that i've only known for barely a year. her name is Leena. a quirky girl, with a great sense of humour as well as a great deal of love for her friends. i only got to know you this year and i can only say that i regret not knowing you even earlier because you have become such an important person, such an important friend that without your presence, my life would have been totally different. thanks for all the fun and laughter that we've shared and i'm really sorry for the arguments that i had with you, for the times you had to put up with my stupid attitude, stubborn-ness and all the crap that i gave you. despite knowing you for only a year, i feel that i want to consider you as one of my closest friend, or best friend you may call. after tomorrow, i won't ever sit at my spot at the pillar again. i won't ever disturb you in the morning again, laughing and joking with you, sometimes across all the tables. many things have happened this past two weeks, and to me, i could sense a change in our friendship. i did tell you about it before, that i felt that you've changed. you don't seem to want to talk to me anymore, nor be interested in joking and fooling around with me. i say this because i really treasure the friendship that we have, and such changes seem to signal an end to our friendship.to me, you've changed, and i do miss the old you. maybe i think too much. you have your own life as well, and you live it the way you want, i don't have the right to interfere. i've just wondered if you ever felt the same way as i do now? it does hurt to see the way things are now. i think you know what i mean...if not you can come ask me. really thank you alot. i want to keep this platonic friendship forever. i want to believe that a guy and a girl can stay as best friends. that's what i've considered you now. and i wonder...do you think the same too?

thirdly and definitely not the least, another special girl, Siqi. of course i believe what i say now does not really make much of a difference to you. but i also want to say that i also regret not knowing you earlier as well. you're really a very different girl from all others that i've known, at least in my life. and that's what make you special to me. to me, your presence indeed is another great impact in my life, in the short time that i've known you. despite what you say, i still strongly feel that its worth all this effort to keep on trying and trying.being of this age, what is worth the effort and what is not, i believe i can tell the difference. i just hope that you forget about the past and give me another chance. like i said, it'll be different this time, and i really, really do not hope that you'll have reservations towards me, like now. i'm trying hard to change things and i really do want to change the way things are now. so yeah, do give the second chance. things can be different if you do not be so reserved towards me, stop thinking about last time and stop avoiding me. i do not deny that i've did you wrong before, but that won't happen again. this i can promise. so yeah, please do give the second chance...

i realised that i'm quite a selfish person and i do not want to let go of those people dear to me. that's why i've never grown accustomed to all these leaving and partings. it might be a good thing as i think i do appreciate and cherish what i have, those people around me, especially the three i've mentioned. they're the greatest treasures that i could ever have. i feel quite emotional now and do indeed feel like crying...probably later.

i realised i'm not that uncaring after all. i still care for people. first and last time i'll invoke the name of a omnipotent being...Thank God you guys are in my life. rock on.

kudos to all...

this is my limit.

dear blog,

i think i've reached my limit. i feel so tired, so exhausted...so...out of touch with myself. i feel that i don't know myself anymore. maybe i didn't even know myself in the first place. i don't know the people around me anymore. the people whom i thought knew me..but they actually didn't. the people whom i thought i knew..but i actually didn't.

i'm so sick of everything now, things that had happened, things that are happening and things that are going to/might happen in the possible future. if there is one for me, that is. i don't feel like i have a future, maybe i don't even have one in the first place. i don't know.

what can i do? what am i supposed to do? am i supposed to keep up with this facade? of being happy and smiling when i'm actually not, of being cheerful when i'm actually depressed, of thinking that things around me don't affect me when they actually do...

i'm very tired...tired of always taking the initiative...tired of always being there. when no one is there when i need it. my opinion is..there was never anyone there for me. fair or not, this is my opinion. no one will ever give me a call just to ask me how am i doing or if i'm alright. i'm the only one who does that. people only call me when they need someone to talk cock with or when they need help. a fool you can call me. a fool for caring so much and trying so hard when it all doesn't amount to anything or matter to anyone. its never appreciated. people say sorry but they don't mean it 'cause they still do the same thing again anyway.

people only come to me when they need help. what am i? a one stop help centre? and i know that even if they don't say it, i'll still offer my help anyway because you never know when it is really needed. and i believed that as long as i help someone, i should really give in all my best. guess i can't say that for other people. they help me when they can clearly see that i need help or when i ask for it. yet they do not give the full help or help half-assedly. harsh it may seem, judging people by my own standards but i'm human after all. i have a heart, a mind. i can also think and feel. i'm fallible, just like anyone. i understand that no one is perfect, and i also do not expect anyone to be perfect. yet when i make a mistake, i'm condemned forever when others are not.

what i had wished for, was just someone, anyone, who could tell whether i'm happy or not even without asking. offering their hand even when i did not ask for it. thinking in my shoes.

there wasn't one.

maybe i should stop offering help. since its never appreciated. i always thought that i should lend a helping to anyone in need because i never know when i need it myself. guess that's all bullshit. when i need it, everyone is too busy for me. self interest comes first after all i guess. the unbending law of nature. only losers like me lose out.

dear blog, i think i should just withdraw from all forms of social activity. after all, if i don't interact with people, nothing would happen, no feelings would be felt and i won't be like that now.

screw this world.

no wait, screw me.

signed,
your sad loser.

updates again....

alright, i'm in the process of updating my blog. i've just added a winamp player BUT everyone else just can't seem to play it except me. i wonder why... shall try to work on it as soon as possible. =)

by the way, the current i'm playing is backstreet boy's "back to your heart". a seriously great song! i'm gonna abuse it and play it over and over again. hehehehehehehehehe.

dear blog.

dear blog,

why am i such a sad loser? =(

signed,
your sad loser.

people nowadays...grrr.

people nowadays seriously have no manners with which to call. probably this is why there is so much freaking debates about good service bad service blah blah blah. stupid singaporeans who just don't have the bloody sense to be even slightly courteous. is saying a simple "please" or "excuse me" so damn hard that should it ever be uttered from the mouths of these people, they'll die? or probably think they commit the greatest sin of being polite?

i just had a first hand experience of really how ill mannered these bastards/bitches are.

earlier just now, i messaged a friend to ask some stuff, in my usual way of teasing people, just to start off the message. what i got back, was quite a shock for me...a rude shock i must say.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
gene: hey you scolding me is it? i keep sneezing lehs...lol
+658102260: who the hell are you?
gene: uh..im eugene...you are?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
at this point, i was quite surprised to see the reply from this unknown number, one that i've never seen before in my life. and such was a reply i got back, although it was quite rude, still i did not retort back, but instead just replied back as above.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
+658102260: i asked who are you first
gene: i said i am eugene...=.=
+658102260: duno you. FUBA off.
gene: i dun even know you...=.=
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
seriously what the hell is wrong with this person? he/she/it had to send such rude replies back to me, even though i didn't do a single shit to this person! i don't even know this person nor the number! crap, it put in a bad mood, along the way home i thought of numerous replies i could have sent back just to argue back, but i decided such a bastard/bitch/asshole did not deserve even my attention to argue back.

and do not think that i am afraid to post your goddamn number on my blog you sucker. you, for whoever you are, have seriously no manners to speak of, not a single shred of courtesy and above all, you are so freaking BLIND. i had apparently given you my name first, and you still asked me who i am. seriously, go CLEAN YOUR BLOODY SPECTACLES if you are wearing one. better yet, if you're not a bespectacled person, GO CHANGE YOUR GODDAMN EYEBALLS.

you're the bane and the shame of the singapore society.

sucky me

yep. i suck. actually i already realised this a long time ago, just that i didn't pretty bother much about it. i seriously suck i guess, studied quite hard (i wont't say so hard since i could have studied harder) yet i got back sucky grades. it must have been my sucky mind, unable to absorb all the stuff that was taught..blah blah. sucky me + sucky mind = sucky grades.

plus i'm now having a sucky flu which i hope will go off by tomorrow because having a flu really sucks. i totally dislike getting flu and sore throats. they make your nose and throat suck like hell. crap, sore throats are suck so much that sometimes i just feel like cutting the goddamn throat. same with the nose.

don't know why, but i just feel like blogging this loh. i must be in a sucky mood, with a sucky atmosphere, sucky mentality and sucky what-have-yous. guess life can't pretty suck as much as now.

damn this sucky life. =(

signing off,
your royal suckiness.